Pigs Fly Over Russia
Pigs are flying over Russia as part of an unprecedented surge of impossibilities occurring this week. Satellite imagery shows the wave of hogs following a warm air current from the South, passing over Moscow and heading towards Archangel on the White Sea.
In cities, witnesses report swine stealing food out of peoples' hands before flying away. In the countryside, farmers have reported a strong smell of bacon coming from the power lines, and by the coast fisherman have seen hogs wallowing in the surf, a sure sign of herring spawning nearby.
This is the latest in a string of highly unusual occurrences this week, including England winning a World Cup penalty shootout for the first time ever. After a tempestuous match riddled with Colombian exchanges and extensive tests for blue-yellow colour-blindness, it seemed that history would repeat itself once again for the embattled side. Tensions were high, but to the astonishment of everyone and joy of many, England managed to win a game of international football. Eventually. Barely.
This is believed to have been the trigger for most, if not all, of the outlandish and unlikely events that have occurred in this incredible month of Sundays. Scarcely 20 minutes after Eric Dier sealed England's victory, Hell is reported to have frozen over, the sun rose in the West, and this morning Japan recognised and offered a sincere apology for its war crimes.
Nobody is quite sure at this time where the flying pigs themselves originate from. Early speculation ranges from ungodly cross-breeds, to DNA splicing, to the fabled pig-Daedalus and his many Pigarus'. One thing we are sure of is that they have captured the hearts and minds of World Cup fans, and in turn been captured and eaten by said World Cup fans.
There is now a strong sentiment among bookkeepers that if England win the final, Jesus Christ will descend and personally rapture Gareth Southgate.
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