Following the announcement of a new strain of COVID-19, the British government has been forced to scramble to find alternative sources of food in case the borders between the United Kingdom and mainland Europe remain closed to contain the spread. Citizens have been advised to avoid stocking up on supplies and creating an artificial food shortage. But behind closed doors, Whitehall is discreetly rummaging through the pantries looking for any long-term solution to this compounded crisis.
So far, anonymous government sources have reported seeing Michael Gove with a tin of Imperial-branded “Splendid Isolation” spam, which was out of date by around 120 years. Despite this, he has been seen discussing with Prime Minister Boris Johnson if this could be a long-term solution.
Certainly, this spam could be the only food left on the table by January. With an increasing number of countries banning international travel from the UK, the Channel Tunnel closed temporarily, as well as the almost 5-year Caesarean section that is Brexit, it may be the case that this outdated tin becomes the only source of sustenance for a beleaguered populace. Another source added:
“I’m not sure how the government is going to assure people that everything will be OK. Between you and me, I’ve already seen some peers cannibalising Scottish Labour.”
Just today, the Prime Minister appealed for calm:
“We respect the decisions of those who have already imposed travel restrictions on our country, but I hope that they believe me when I say that we have put the safety and prosperity of others at the top of our priority list. And that is the honest truth.”
In response, the UK has been immediately quarantined by all other nations, as well as several penguin communities in Antarctica.
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